I was thinking about death today. Not how sad it makes those left behind feel but what those who are actually dying feel. Picture it with me for 5 minutes…

First off, I have been unlucky enough to loose some important people in my life. People who affected me  directly either by their lives or by their deaths i guess. So i would like to take a moment to remember my dad, who i got almost eleven years worth of guidance and protection and love. My on-and-off best friend Ivy Josephine; we annoyed the hell out of each other, we hated each other even at points, but we also laughed and loved the hell out of each other; i think about you constantly, i wonder how you would have turned out; i wish i could talk to you, so you could tell me how to get over this man who keeps breaking  my heart; I MISS YOU. And last but not least, Nicole Naisiae as most people called you; i just knew you as Naisi; we grew up together; did weird things together; we didn’t keep touch after you moved but i saw you around, how beautiful you were! still are! rest easy girl(:

So you’re walking down a road, some really noisy truck passes by you and you wonder what the driver is thinking putting that piece of junk on the road. Or not. You weren’t thinking about it at all. So you’re going to a party, and to get in the zone you’re probably listening to nice i-can-dance-to-this-music . And you can’t wait to see your friends and just have fun.

Then all of a sudden your heart probably starts beating faster for no reason. You’re feeling a kind of panic. Something is wrong, you can feel it. Before you’re able to realize what exactly is wrong, its right behind you, then on top of you. And now its dragging your body down the road. It’s so painful, so sudden you are mostly numb with shock for a minute. Is this really happening to me?

You’re sitting at lunch laughing with your friends talking about important life stuff :boys and clothes. You’ve probably had a perfect day, too perfect so far. You didn’t know those exist. There  you are, laughing, smiling, glowing. Too good to be true. And then your throat starts to fill up. You’ve swallowed more than it can take , you drink water and decide to give it a minute. You make a note to self to try not to eat too fast. Then the huge lump in your throat refuses to go away. It starts feeling uncomfortable. Shit. You can’t breathe. You try to hit your chest. Try to cough. Nothing. What the hell? Yo’re choking! This is so uncomfortable. Try to come down, you tell yourself. But its not working. You feel like you’re going to die..

One minute you’re full of life, happy, or not but still alive. You’re okay. Normal day. Then all of a sudden you’re here. Wondering is this it? No, come on! This can’t be it. No no no no no! Aiiiii! Be serious. Ati my life is ending. Like this. Something so “small”. Give me a second chance, come on.. five minutes; i’ll watch out for that truck and i won’t listen to music on the road, i’ll save myself; i won’t eat so much so fast, i’ll drink water in between. PLEASE! THIS CAN’T BE IT.

You have you whole life ahead of you. You were supposed to die at 120 years old. Old and satisfied. Having lived your life: gone to Paris or Italy or Greece, married your first love, touched a few dozen hearts, saved a couple more, made your mark on the world, gotten your money, had children, had grandchildren, enjoyed life to the max.

But then your friends are trying to give you first aid but its not working and they have started to panic. Everything is starting to blur. You can’t speak. You can’t breathe. All you can do is cry.

You’re in a stranger’s car now. Other strangers got you from under that truck and put you in that stranger’s car. You’re going to hospital. He’s driving really fast you’re scared you’ll have a second accident to write home about. You’re in hospital now. Good. People feel better here. People heal. You can’t wait for this to be over. For you to heal. You’ll probably be in hospital for a while you think. Because you can’t feel anything but pain. You can’t see anything but your blood all over. You’ve probably broken your leg or two. What if you’ll never be able to walk? Oh my God!

Mum is here. Oh, mummy!Mummy i’m in so much pain, make it go away. Where’s dad? There you are. You trust dad. Dad has always protected you, he will make this better, they will make this go away. You love them so much. You can’t imagine never seeing them again.

You can feel it now. There is no coming back from this. You are leaving now, for good. Tears are rolling down. You’re crying because it hurts like hell, because that’s all you can do. You know its about to be over. Please give me a chance to say goodbye, you plead. There are so many people you thought you would see but you won’t. There is so much you had to say to everyone. At this point you’re thinking you had words even for the guy who sold you gum by the roadside. You suddenly have so much to say to every single person in the world. But you won’t be able to. Or maybe you will. I mean who knows what’s waiting for you on the other side. Well, you’re about to find out.

You can feel it now. Because the pain is gone. You’re numb. You’ve even stopped panicking. You want to panic but its like the ability to do it is gone. You feel your senses leaving you.

You can’t feel anything…

Then suddenly you can’t see either. You look at your parents, friends, all those who are there for you. They’re crying. They know what’s happening. They would do anything to change it. You wish you can tell them it’s okay. The pain is gone. And you will miss them. And you love them.

And then there it is. You breathe your last breath and then . . .

Every time someone dies our thoughts usually go to those close to the deceased. You wonder how sad her parents/siblings/friends/children/etc must be feeling and you mourn mostly for them. What about the one who’s actually gone? What do we feel for him/her? Where are they? In heaven? Reincarnated? Wandering alone in darkness?

For my peace of mind tho i have to believe they’re in a “better place”. I don’t know exactly what that means. But with everything i have, i believe they’re okay, they’re happy, they’re still with us somehow. They just have to be!


I’m done,

Remember to live well!

All my love,




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